Shmattlock

I love cars.

The things worth having are usually harder to get.

It’s another one of those times.. Oh you know; when I come back to this blog here and want to spill my heart just to get it out because I just can’t hold it in anymore. It’s just too much to bear.
It’s such an alone time when it gets like this because no one really knows what is going on with me entirely. That’s my fault i know.

i’m tired of being awkward and i hate it when you call me out.

“I’m tired of being afraid of what I can’t change. I want to be living free.”

I have a feeling this is going to be another one of those cliche posts where i say a ton of crap but it doesn’t make sense at all because you won’t know what i’m talking about.. but i’ll try.. maybe
I think this is going to be a reminder to stop thinking so much and just let my heart lead my life and where it takes me and to stop over thinking/analyzing things and such.
Look around, why shouldn’t i be so much happier than i am?
Note to self: Find beauty in the small things. my life is beautiful.

don’t mess it up by thinking too much.

So less vagueness and more honesty huh? well here ya go.
i don’t like being alone.
And no, i’m not talking about a girlfriend type relationship either. just having that someone close where i can just let go of everything that i build up inside.
I bottle my emotions up.
my bad.
i don’t like to, i’m just too afraid not too. i don’t trust people with my innerself (easily). and i’m just stuck in this position of trying to find someone i feel comfortable with to really open up and empty everything out.
i’ve been told i don’t know when to stop.
it’s true.
i don’t.
i get ahead of myself and hurry things along and make hasty decisions usually based on absolutely nothing but a lack of time for things to happen how they normally would.
very very few of you actually know who i am on the inside. but if you think i’m quiet. you are deceived. i’m not. i just refuse to let it out.
my bad.
i just don’t trust you, though i want to.
badly.

I know i tend to write in a huge void of detail filled with vagueness. I’m shy sorry. It’s really hard for me to open a window into my personal thoughts and feelings and such. I’m not really an open person obviously for those of you who know me.
Yes Eric, i wish you knew more about what’s going on in my life here at school. but for me, this is hardly the place for it. And i know you’re really busy now with you back at school, and i’ve love to hear about that from you.
To you others who read and wonder, wishing i wouldn’t be so vague, spouting about random crap that doesn’t make any sense but to me. This is me wanting to tell you what is going on in my life. but I’d love to on a more personal, one on one basis. though there is physical distance.
I guess what i’m trying to say is this: I miss you. I miss having a personal connection with you. And i honestly hope to hear from you soon.

There are few places i feel comfortable being myself. and now it’s as if i’m losing one of those places. I’m still here.. i don’t want to lose it. It doesn’t feel like a place i can still call home. It seems to evaporate when I’m not around. And i can’t be around that often. but isn’t it understandable?

But i do feel like i’m gaining another. i feel comfortable here. happy here. last year i didn’t, but that helped very slowly build me a foundation, and this year i’m really building on that.

is it setting or rising?

It has been a while. I’ve missed you to be honest. Lately, I’ve been finding myself looking your way and seeing it’s been so long, yet I sit there and do nothing. No attempt to say hello, not even a tap on your shoulder. Just a thoughtful look and then I walk away…

‘I have other things to do’ ‘I never can say what I want’ ‘I just can’t put words to my thoughts’ ‘I’m just too busy’

My summer is finished. All there is left is a thought of ‘I had a good summer’ and/or ‘I wish I would have done more/things differently’

I don’t want to miss out, don’t take your time. Don’t wait for a good time to do it, it’ll never happen.

I’m all moved in, classes start the day after tomorrow. One more day of band camp. It’s good to see you again, I’ve missed you.

Over the Fourth of July, i Finally made it up north.. and i had an absolutely amazing time. Everyday i spent either wakeboarding and other various water sport activities (NOT tubing though) or on the beach or hanging out downtown. so much fun. i can’t wait to do it again. I’m pretty sure i’ll be going back the week before i go to school but i don’t know who all else will be up there. so i may have to go it alone. but i think i’m ok with that.

As far as my job situation, I’m sticking it out the last week and a half or 2 until i’m working for Nathan for a week to a week and a half. So i’m just going to deal with my incompetent boss for just that little while longer. I can’t wait to be done. I think that the quality of my summer is going to go up once that happens. WEEKENDS OFF!! haha yeah, that hasn’t happened all summer. AND evenings off pretty much. wow. which also really excites me about being a teacher. work during the day on weekdays AND i have the holidays and summers off. amazing stuff right there.  That’s all for now.